Really Know???

I think my husband and I are done with our relationship but neither one of us knows how to end it. I know he's done trying to meet the needs of others. All, if not most, of his energy goes into work, doing well and moving up. None of it is going into his home life anymore and even the kids see what an ass he is when he drinks(which is every night). Luckily the little ones are usually in bed before he's had more than one or two.
Me... I don't want to let go because this is a life choice that I made and I intend to keep it going. Call it religion or what ever you want. I am a christian and do have christian values, but I made a promise to him and my kids(even the ones that weren't born yet) to be married and stay married for the rest of my life. I told my husband that before we got married and that was the reason that I didn't marry him the first time around. This is one thing that I feel so strongly about! So I keep hope that one day he will want to try again. And one day his desire for me will come back.
Here's the bad part... my desire is gone now. My desire for him I mean. I think that after so much negativity from a person no matter what they look like(which I think my husband is good looking by the way) they can still become undesirable to you. So I've had fantasies about another person. No sex involved, just lust and kisses and hugging and cudeling. It's so hard for me though because that's NOT what I want. It's a contradiction to the values I have clung to all of my life. It's even sneaking into dreams now and it kind of scares me. I think that if this other person were here in town or even wanted to be a part of my life I might fail and go to him. And I just feel really sad knowing that it probably could be a possibility if everything was set in a way that it could even happen. Perhaps, that's why my mind has chosen this person?
I used to feel so good about myself and pretty confident that I wasn't bad looking. Now, not so much. My husband only wants to give me a hug or to lay down with me when he's been drinking(and even then it's still few and far between). I just can't even make myself want to anymore though. That fact alone turns me off.
All of that said... this weekend we are going to celebrate our 9th anniversary. It's actually during the week but I already know he won't try to get off work for it (he might not be able to if he tried anyways) so I'm planning a night and half day with just us(maybe just the day part though depends on if other people can take the kids for us). I'm trying to find people to watch the kids on Saturday night. If not my in-laws will watch them all for us on Sunday. I already have a place for lunch on Sunday for us to go and a place on Saturday for dinner if we can. Then on Sunday I have a movie picked out that he might like to see at the theatre. If I can get him to do more then we may do something after dinner on Saturday night.
Dinner and a movie are all thing that we just fall back on on the time. I don't feel the desire to be more creative than that unfortunately. But I do feel like I need to get him out of the house and out with just us two for a while. That time may decide our fate. I am going with the best attitude and looking forward to a good time at least. But deep down inside I know that he could turn that time into a fight and it will just all be over. I think I just need this, I need to know him again and I need to really see how he is with me. It might, just maybe, make up my mind on us.

Waiting

I try my best to ignore the negative responses my husband tells me. I just don't think about it anymore because I don't want to cry every day. He says he's done and wants to leave. Yet he's still here all the time and still calls and talks to me when he's at work. Then he comes home late one night and wakes me up. Mind you he's been out drinking, not just out working. So he comes home way later than he said he would and he wakes me up and wants to hold me. I told him to stop being an ass hole and let me sleep. He tells asks if I've found a job yet. I mean really?! He does it just to get a rise from me. But he doesn't get what he wants from it anymore like he used to. So he's trying more often and coming up with other ways of talking about a divorce. I can only take so much of him talking to me like that though. If he wants to then he just needs to do it and stop dragging shit on. But if he doesn't, he needs to stop being an ass and acting like this!

So I wait... wait, wait, wait until he does one thing or another. Or, until he drags me down to nothing. I'm lost. I want to sleep more often so I can dream of happier times. But that's not fair to my kids. So I get up and I take care of them and we do things and stay busy. Sometimes I think that staying busy is about the only thing that keeps me going these days.

I Feel

Blah... blah, blah, blah... blah blah blah blah!

It's hard to imagine a time that I was just over the moon for someone. The weird thing is, I'm not sure I was ever there with my husband. I really do love him. But I think that affection isn't the kind of love that two married people should feel. I love him like a friend and like the father of my children that he is. But am I IN love with him. I don't know. These are things that pop up in my head when he talks about wanting a divorce. How can he still love me, like he claims to, yet want to leave? He doesn't want me physically anymore, unless he's drunk. Which every single night that he is home(and then some), he is drinking. We can talk nicely on the phone and he can sound like he just wants to be home and with me and the kids. Then he comes home and half way here I talk to him and he's in a pissy mood and bitches about everything and is mad at me by the time he walks in the door. This is the way it happens even when I don't talk to him on the way home. The last time he talked about leaving we talked about it and he decided to wait it out and see what happens. Then we have a nice night in bed(if you know what I mean) and the next day it's back to normal. Before I knew it he was already talking about wanting to leave again. Saying stuff like find a job before I get home, or pack you shit... There's other little subtle things he says here and there too, but you get the idea. It's a roller coaster and all I can do is ride it and hope he comes to a stop in a suitable place for all of us. Yes, I love my husband. I am here to stay and make it work to the best of my ability. I believe that when you make the commitment of marriage you can not just say never mind when it gets tough. With all of my heart I believe that I must hang in there and try my best to help him get to a place that he is happy. Honestly, I am happy where I am. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love that I get to stay at home with them while they are young. I like being so busy running from here to there and back again every week day after school. No matter how much I complain about how busy our schedule is, I like it. Of course that is a supporting factor of why we should work it out. But really, it goes further than that. Maybe it's a religious belief and maybe it's old fashioned, but I don't take marriage vows lightly. I said "I do." I mean to keep that promise. I just have no idea how to help someone that doesn't want help. And here we are again, he's told me to really think about it and said he will do the same. He sees divorce as inevitable. Though I feel like he just wants it to be. Like he doesn't want to put forth the effort to make it work. And it's been going on a long long time. Almost like he's trying to make it my idea, my fault, make it be me that leaves. Looking back, I wonder if that's why he was like he was with his ex? To make her leave him. I am finding that he wants a lot of recognition and wants to look good a lot more. That wasn't anything I used to see in him though. Maybe it was there and I just didn't see it. Maybe it's something new. I don't know, and I think I'm to tired to try to work though it in my head. That's not how real things get figured out anyways.

Oh wow, I got way off track from what I was going to talk about. Sorry about that. I tend to ramble and forget this isn't diary, it's a blog. Now back to our regularly scheduled rambling...
One summer when I was 17 I remember meeting a boy that was sweet as sweet can be. He was pretty good looking too I guess. But what I remember the most was how he treated me. Details of that night can't all be explained. It was almost half my lifetime ago after all.

We were driving down the main drive in a town near by. All 6 (maybe 5, I can't remember really) of us in the jeep I was the oldest one there. That I do know! The driver was 16, I was 17 and the others were younger. We had left the lake and were in search of someone to buy us some beer. The first mistake of the night! lol We went to several different places while my step sister would get out and ask people to buy us some. When told no we left and went to the next place. Nervous as can be we pulled over to let a cop pass us to make sure he wasn't following us. Then we pressed on down the road. Second mistake of the night. We finally found a guy to buy us some! He bought some for himself and some for us and we followed him home to get them from him so that he wouldn't get caught. And he didn't. I couldn't tell you a thing about what the man looked like or what color his truck was, just that he drove a truck. Anyways, the girls decide they were hungry so we go back to that same store so they can get a burrito. Their mistake was eating a gas station burrito. They weren't half as good then as they are now, and they still aren't that great! When they got back and we were going to start driving off, we got busted. They had been following us the whole time! They made us all get out of the jeep and poor out our beer. The unopened ones too. I have to hand it to them though, they did the right thing by having us poor it out. They could have just kept it for themselves you know. Maybe cops were even better people then too. Either that, or small town cops are better than city cops. I was so scared! Everyone else was too, but I think I was the only one who showed it. My sister sat down and asked the cop if she could finnish eating her burrito. Her BF (they had the same name and she was our step sister now) copped a squat next to her in the parking lot on the ground. I stood there scared to death that those two girls were going to piss the cops off and get us in big trouble! The damn cop looked right in my eyes and said, your the oldest, you are the only one that could be tried as an adult. Holy crap! I had never done anything like that before in my life and I got caught the one time I did. And with all younger kids than I was. I had only wanted to go swimming and have some fun with friends that day. I hadn't intended on there being any alcohol involved. I was the goodie, goodie two-shoes of the bunch so to say. I was in tears after that. We were supposed to be going to Mexico to visit my mom only a month after that(or less, I don't remember). I was so scared that I would be put on probation and have to come back up there and not be able to go to Mexico at all! I hadn't seen my mother in a long time! It had probably been almost 2 years by that time.

One of the boys with us put his arms around me and let me cry on his shoulder. He even hugged me to try to make me feel better. Of course, it didn't work. I was still scared shitless! But it was really nice having someone there to comfort me. After scaring us into believing that a van was coming to pick us up and letting the girls talk shit and me cry for a while, they let us go. They had done their job and I guess they didn't think I needed all that on my shoulders. I was probably the only reason they didn't take us in and call our parents! So, off we went and we headed right back to our little bitty home town and far away from there. Well, it took like 30 minutes to get there, so it was far enough.

The night was only just beginning. You see, the cops hadn't thought to look under the jacket that was thrown in the back. It had covered up the other half of the beer we had gotten just enough so that they didn't see it. We were happy campers. But we didn't have anywhere to go. If we went up to the school(which is where everyone went at night to make out or smoke or what ever) then the town sherif might drive by and see us. Obviously we couldn't go home with the beer. So, we went to the only place that seemed like we wouldn't get caught. The cemetery right before you hit town! What a place to go to have a couple beers. But we did. And I got the last one because I was the most stressed about it all. I guess the crying helped out in more ways than one.

I got up and walked around a little bit until I got under the gazebo in the middle of the place. And for some reason I remember wishing that he would come up and sit with me there. No one had ever made me feel like I was cared about in the least. And I don't mean the family that has to make you feel like that either. No other guy had ever made me feel like he actually wanted to hear what I have to say either. He never did come up to me right there. But that was probably a good thing. In my head I knew we would probably never see each other again. He was just there visiting his dad, and I was just there visiting mine. Anyways, after we were done we ended up going out to his dads place. A big piece of land out in the country with a dirt road and a river running through it. Like most places up there, which is why I like it up there. Lots of trees, brush, rivers and dirt roads and a big open sky where you could see ALL the stars.

Everyone headed to the river, where the girls jumped in, and they all tried to get me to join them. I was just fine on the dry land. I didn't feel like stripping down, or like wearing wet cloths on a cool night. A fire was started after that and we all sat around talking. My step sister was off doing what she does/did with another guy. He and I were talking, about what Lord only knows. But we ended up going for a walk. I probably talked his head off! Poor guy. Had no idea what he had done with me/to me. I have some recollection of telling him about my mother being an alcoholic. So I'm sure I told him about other things she had done and how I felt about her. Although I don't remember what really was said. The bad part is that I don't remember if he was talking too, or if I did all the talking and he just listened and responded when appropriate. I feel like I probably talked his head off though, and I feel bad for that. Kind of with I had listened too. Usually that's all I did. I never really talked to anyone. We walked down the dirt road for a while then went off and climbed up a deer blind. From there you could see out over the trees and you could really see the moon and stars. It must have been a full moon that night because even though it was out in the middle of no where it was bright enough to see where you were walking. Even in the middle of the night we could easily avoid the cactus plants at least. We talked a little up there and looked at the moon and stars for a while before getting down and heading back. Nothing happened, no holding hands, no kiss, no more hugs even. Before I knew it we were back with the group. I remember being embarrassed when we came back because I thought someone would think we had gone off to have sex or something. Yes, I was still a virgin. And I had planned on staying that way for a while! I don't remember what else happened. But I do remember it being cold, and late, or early in the morning rather. The only ones still up were me, him and my sister. He brought out a couple of blankets for us to lay on and one to cover up with. So we were all huddled together on one big blanket and with one over us. And of course he was squished in the middle. What boy wouldn't love that right?! I remember thinking I need to stay close because I didn't know if she was close and if he would like her better. Like it really mattered anyways. Nothing was going to happen with all of us there. Then after a while we were all to tired and non of us could stay up any longer and we had probably run out of stuff to talk about. So we went in and laid down where ever there was room. After pretty much just a short nap we all got up and they took us home.

I was so sad at the thought of never seeing this boy again. Never getting to know him, never having kissed him, never going to even see him again. I was tired as hell so I didn't have to really hide much since it just looked like I was tired. Great disguise by the way! When ever you are sad or depressed, just stay up till 4AM then tell everyone you are dead dog tired. They will leave you alone for the most part. Unless of course it's kids we are talking about, the most you can hope for then is, "you should have gone to bed sooner" and then maybe a few minutes till they are back to ask for something else again. I got his address though. And I did write him a letter once, even sent a picture in it. But since we had only known each other for that one day, I sent one that was of me and some friends. I never got a reply though. I thought of him a lot that summer too. I don't know what I though happened. Or what I thought would happen. 15 years ago and I still remember him. He made a big impact in my life that night. And he will never know why.

I always set out to find someone that would make me feel like that again. I did find one other person that listened when I talked and held me and held the door for me and all that jazz. Unfortunately, that was also while I was on a vacation so it lead no where too. Anyways, I never did find anyone that might actually become something more, and that was like he was. So I lowered the bar. A few times I think. What can I say, you live you learn right? Maybe I am still learning...

Inside

I try to fill my life with things I love. But something is still missing. I've been taking pictures, doing yoga, going places(mostly local but still getting out). I surround myself with people I love. But still I feel an emptiness inside. I need a strong hand to love and care for me and to hold me tight. I need to feel like someone is taking care of me emotionally. Just like I have been taking care of those around me. I just want to lay down right now and give up on that. You would think being married that wouldn't be an issue. But when your husband works 2 weeks out of town and then is home for two weeks it seems like he's never there. When he's home it's for a good two weeks and he isn't even working. So it's not like he can't give his all to his family. Don't get me wrong, he dose things with us all. But instead of doing things with/for me, he spends his time and energy on figuring out what to do for himself. He likes to go to the shooting range, or shopping for accessories. He likes to go have a beer with his friend while waiting for his truck to have the oil change. He likes to sit on the couch and watch a movie while he drinks a few beers every night. If it's not that at night ten it's a few beers at his friends house instead. I'm getting sick of that crap. It's all pretty selfish to me and no matter how I tell him how I am feeling he just doesn't get it. Promises are made but  not acted on. I've learned to not trust any of it anymore. Pretty sad indeed. In fact, I am beginning to no not even listen to it now. That used to be enough to make me feel like he still cared and wanted to make a change. But now it's just no help at all.

Mostly, I just want romance back in my life. Is that really so much to ask for? A walk on the beach at sunset(or sunrise, I don't care which). An arm around me with out it criticizing me. It would be incredibly lovely to have some on walk up to me with a smile and just want to hold me tight(not just want to have sex!).

So, all of this having been said... I think I have a lot to work on for myself. I've let myself allow this emptiness to take over and affect my responsibilities. The house is a wreck! But I have NO motivation to change that. So instead, I go to the gym and forget about it. Or I sit at the computer and fill my time with meaningless games to occupy my brain. It's that or I lay on the couch and keep worrying about how things are not happening and then I just want to cry.
First of all, I want a sitter for the kids for an entire day! Then I would spend all day with the music way up loud and I would clean the whole house, top to bottom. Then I could at least feel a little better. Then maybe the next week I could get someone to watch them for a few hours so I can go do some more stuff that makes me feel like me.

I think that might be a good starting point.