Tuesday, June 3, 2008
For My Mom
I had to shorten it just a bit. So the pictures go by much faster than they usually would. And the song Amazing Grace is no longer on there. I had to chose one song to cut off so that it would all fit. And the other two are just to perfect for my mother to loose. So this is it. This is the video slide show that I made in her honor. I miss her already!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Sad Times Around Here...
I lost my mother. I don't know how to feel about it. I am sad. But I still don't feel like it can be true. I cry in bed at night because I know I can call her tomorrow anymore. It's too late now. I found a beautiful poem that expresses my thoughts very accurately.
Everyone has their time
But why did yours have to come so soon?
There are so many people in the world
So why did God have to pick you?
They say things like this make you stronger
But how can that be?
I feel so weak inside
It all feels like a dream
I didn't get to see you
You passed away too soon
But I feel you watching over me
And someday I'll see you again
Andrea Nickel
The last time I saw her was the Monday after Mother's Day, on the 12th. The last time I talked to her was on the 19th or 20th. She sounded so good. She wanted to go to the family reunion. And she wanted to take Dillan (my niece) with us. She had just talked to Yvonne (another close family member) and was excited to get to see her. My grandpa called me on Thursday the 22nd to tell me that she wasn't feeling well. She hadn't gotten out of bed for two days and wasn't eating. She was crying out in pain in the middle of the night. He called me because he just didn't know what to do. He was worried about her. I could hear it in his voice. It worried me a little bit to. Just knowing that she hadn't gotten up out of that room for two days. Not even to eat. She didn't want him in her room, or to even bother her. I told him that the only thing that he really could do would be to call the ambulance to come get her. He didn't want to do that, because she was drinking. He thought that she just wasn't getting up because she was too drunk. Which I guess could have been the case. I feel horrible for him. He had decided that if she didn't get up and at least get something to eat then he would call 911 in the morning. But when he went to get her up, she was gone. God had taken her pain away. That's the only thing that gives me comfort anymore. Knowing that she isn't in pain any more. And knowing that she is in better hands now. With someone that can guide her and take care of her the way she needs it. Like none of us here could ever do for her. She called me to ask if I could stop by on my way home from picking up Christian from school. She wanted to see the kids. But I was being selfish and didn't want to. I hated taking my kids over to see her. I didn't like them seeing her in this dirty place, with liquor on her breath and cigarette smoke all around. Would that really have hurt anything that badly if we just drove by for a minute or so? She could have seen her grandchildren one more time before she died. The last time she saw them was at Christian's game on the 10th. Christian was in one of those moods. And he wouldn't talk to her. He felt bad about that later, and talked about it for a week. That was one of the first things he said when he found out the news. After why did she have to die? And why do people have to get sick? And why does mostly our family have to die? What do you tell an 8 yr old that has lost two grandparents in the past three years. It was harder to tell him about his Mini than anyone else in this world. He did ask me the other day why we called her Mini. I told him that's the name she wanted you to call her. Because she is your skinny Mini! I got half of a smile from him. She was very skinny.
I have been working on a video slide show of pictures of my mom. I have almost 80 pics of her throughout her life. It's a shame really that I don't have more of her in the resent years. I put them together with a few quotes/poems and songs. I used Desperado, by The Eagles, Bridge Over Troubled Waters, by Simon and Garfunkel, and of course Amazing Grace, this one was done by Leeann Rhymes. The trio of songs is beautiful! I think it has helped me in my grieving. Although, I don't think I am done. I am far from it actually. It still doesn't feel right to me. It still feels like I am talking about someone else when I talk about her memorial service. I still can't believe it has happened.
I had to go put flowers on my father's grave sight the other day. This has hit me hard. I have no parents now. My father committed suicide when I was only 2 yrs old. And now my mother is gone too. And I can't help but think about how I could have done more in the past couple of years to include her in my family's life. I don't want to feel like that. But I do.
Now I want to go visit San Miguel de Allende. Where we lived for a while, in Mexico. My mother loved living there. She was free to be herself. People didn't judge you like they do here. It's a beautiful country too. So primitive compared to here. I have always wanted to go back some day. I would like to show my husband where I lived for a while. I would like to show him what a beautiful place it can be. But with the baby on the way, now is not a good time. I guess it will be a few years before I can even think of going back.
I think I've rambled enough for the time being. Maybe I will try to get the slide show downloaded next week, and put it up on here.
Everyone has their time
But why did yours have to come so soon?
There are so many people in the world
So why did God have to pick you?
They say things like this make you stronger
But how can that be?
I feel so weak inside
It all feels like a dream
I didn't get to see you
You passed away too soon
But I feel you watching over me
And someday I'll see you again
Andrea Nickel
The last time I saw her was the Monday after Mother's Day, on the 12th. The last time I talked to her was on the 19th or 20th. She sounded so good. She wanted to go to the family reunion. And she wanted to take Dillan (my niece) with us. She had just talked to Yvonne (another close family member) and was excited to get to see her. My grandpa called me on Thursday the 22nd to tell me that she wasn't feeling well. She hadn't gotten out of bed for two days and wasn't eating. She was crying out in pain in the middle of the night. He called me because he just didn't know what to do. He was worried about her. I could hear it in his voice. It worried me a little bit to. Just knowing that she hadn't gotten up out of that room for two days. Not even to eat. She didn't want him in her room, or to even bother her. I told him that the only thing that he really could do would be to call the ambulance to come get her. He didn't want to do that, because she was drinking. He thought that she just wasn't getting up because she was too drunk. Which I guess could have been the case. I feel horrible for him. He had decided that if she didn't get up and at least get something to eat then he would call 911 in the morning. But when he went to get her up, she was gone. God had taken her pain away. That's the only thing that gives me comfort anymore. Knowing that she isn't in pain any more. And knowing that she is in better hands now. With someone that can guide her and take care of her the way she needs it. Like none of us here could ever do for her. She called me to ask if I could stop by on my way home from picking up Christian from school. She wanted to see the kids. But I was being selfish and didn't want to. I hated taking my kids over to see her. I didn't like them seeing her in this dirty place, with liquor on her breath and cigarette smoke all around. Would that really have hurt anything that badly if we just drove by for a minute or so? She could have seen her grandchildren one more time before she died. The last time she saw them was at Christian's game on the 10th. Christian was in one of those moods. And he wouldn't talk to her. He felt bad about that later, and talked about it for a week. That was one of the first things he said when he found out the news. After why did she have to die? And why do people have to get sick? And why does mostly our family have to die? What do you tell an 8 yr old that has lost two grandparents in the past three years. It was harder to tell him about his Mini than anyone else in this world. He did ask me the other day why we called her Mini. I told him that's the name she wanted you to call her. Because she is your skinny Mini! I got half of a smile from him. She was very skinny.
I have been working on a video slide show of pictures of my mom. I have almost 80 pics of her throughout her life. It's a shame really that I don't have more of her in the resent years. I put them together with a few quotes/poems and songs. I used Desperado, by The Eagles, Bridge Over Troubled Waters, by Simon and Garfunkel, and of course Amazing Grace, this one was done by Leeann Rhymes. The trio of songs is beautiful! I think it has helped me in my grieving. Although, I don't think I am done. I am far from it actually. It still doesn't feel right to me. It still feels like I am talking about someone else when I talk about her memorial service. I still can't believe it has happened.
I had to go put flowers on my father's grave sight the other day. This has hit me hard. I have no parents now. My father committed suicide when I was only 2 yrs old. And now my mother is gone too. And I can't help but think about how I could have done more in the past couple of years to include her in my family's life. I don't want to feel like that. But I do.
Now I want to go visit San Miguel de Allende. Where we lived for a while, in Mexico. My mother loved living there. She was free to be herself. People didn't judge you like they do here. It's a beautiful country too. So primitive compared to here. I have always wanted to go back some day. I would like to show my husband where I lived for a while. I would like to show him what a beautiful place it can be. But with the baby on the way, now is not a good time. I guess it will be a few years before I can even think of going back.
I think I've rambled enough for the time being. Maybe I will try to get the slide show downloaded next week, and put it up on here.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
It's A Boy!
We are very excited! And this way we aren't going to have to spend all of that extra money on bunches of cute girl cloths. LOL All I need to get is the big stuff, like a crib! And then a few cloths for the first few months. I'm sure the family will give a gift or two as well. But everything looks great. Baby is measuring right on schedule. And the heart rate was 153. We are having a hard time getting Kaleb to remember that it's a boy and not sissy. We picked out the name Keegan Blane. So now we just tell him it's baby Keegan. He's getting the hang of it. My MIL and Christian both went with me to the ultrasound. They had a bet going. If it was a girl, Christian would pull weeds at Nana's (my MIL) House, and if it was a boy Nana would buy Christian a toy. Christian won! He was very excited about that!
I had really wanted a girl. But it looks like God had other plans for me. This is going to be my last baby. DH is going to get "fixed" and we are going to look into me getting it done as well. We may have to wait untill we can pay for it though. It's cheaper for DH so we know we are gong to do that one. But I have been very sad lately, because that means that I will not get a chance to have a little girl of my own. Then I start feeling bad about feeling bad! I know it will be alright, I guess I just need some time. I wanted to go shopping after I found out, but I didn't end up with the time for it. So I went the next day with my sister, my aunt, my grandmother and my cousin. I looked around at cloths, but didn't see anything that caught my eye. Not for a boy at least. I saw tons of stuff for girls! I finally settled on a couple of outfits on the clearance rack. But I wasn't thrilled about them. I actually ended up finding a lot of maternity cloths that I liked though. I ended up splurging and getting myself an outfit too. I have tried to get into shopping, but every time I go I gravitate towards the little girl stuff. Then I get sad again and don't want to shop anymore.
I know that I am excited about the new baby boy. I am in love with the name we picked out too! I'm getting upset now because my need for a little girl is getting in the way of me enjoying this little guy! It's making me mad at myself. I better get over it soon! But then every time I tell some one else that we are having a boy they all say, "aww...", or "I'm sorry." I hate that! Don't be sorry! Be happy that he is a healthy baby. I am. I am only sad that I won't have a little girl, ever.
Maybe it's just all of the hormones going crazy inside my body that are making me feel like I am crazy!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
1 on 1 time
I got to spend the day with my oldest son yesterday. We had a blast. And he must have said a million times that that was his best day ever! Enough to make me want to do it more often!!!
It all started when my husband got called into go to work. He was told that they needed him on a different rig out of town. It's a "sit down" job, so that means he stays in a trailer out on the rig untill they are done,, or untill they don't need him anymore. He is taking over someone else's job because they needed to take care of some things at home. What ever. So his mother decided to have lunch before he has to leave town since his birthday is on May 2nd. And he will not be here. At first our youngest son was saying that he wanted to see Papa Dean(my father-in-law) and Nana(my mother-in-law). Well Papa Dean had to be at work so it was just going to be us and Nana. He wasn't so happy about that, but still OK with it. We get there and Papa Dean shows up too! OMG!!! Kaleb was soooo happy! He sat on Papa Dean's Lap the whole time!When it came time to leave he told me, "Be go you" and pointed to my in-laws. This means he wants to go with Papa Dean and Nana. I tell him no, you have to go with mommy and daddy. You can go with Papa Dean and Nana tomorrow. The kids both stay over at their house every Saturday night. But he just kept saying "no, be go you," and pointing to them. So we all walk out together and he runs to Nana and holds her hand out to the car. We all went to look at her rental car. So when it was time to go he gave her a hug and wouldn't let go! It was like it was a life or death situation! He wanted to go with them so bad! I have never seen him want to go with anyone that badly before. It was actually pretty funny, I have to admit. Well, Papa Dean ended up giving in and taking Kaleb with him. He was just ever so happy!
So right after that I had to pick up Christian from school. Who, by the way, made the A honor role again this 6 weeks! We started off thinking that we would go practice throwing the ball at the park, then go for ice cream. But we had to go pick up my husbands meds before he went to work. And we were stuck waiting for them to sort out the details for 45 minutes! Ugh... And that's because I called it in the day before! Any ways, he changed his mind and wanted to go to a movie instead. My father-in-law, said that he was going to bring Kaleb back home at 8:00 pm that night since he had to go play music that night. So we ran out of time to go see a movie too! It was already 5:30 by the time we were finally able to leave the house. That's the time that daddy left for work to. So we ended up going to McDonald's for dinner. Mmm... *sarcasm added here* I hate McDonald's. Then we went to Target to exchange one of Kaleb's birthday gifts, that was a double. While we were there I told Christian that if he wanted to get a toy and settle for an icee instead of an ice cream we could do that. And, of course, he agreed. So he picked out an Iron Man toy. Then we came home and played 3 games of Yahtzee. He won every one of them, fair and square! That boy has the best luck on games. Just after that he was saying how much fun he had. And how we should do this more often! That just made my heart melt. He even said, but I know we can't get a new toy every time. So we should just have our special day more often. Aww... My father in-law called about that time and said that Kaleb had already fallen asleep so he could just stay there for the night. So Christina and I could have gone to the movies after all! But Christian didn't see it that way. His first thought was, cool, more time for me and you! So we ended up going to Hollywood Video and renting a couple of movies. Then going to Marble Slab next door and getting some ice cream. We picked out the Bad News Bears (the old one with Walter Matthau) and Benji, a classic. When we got home we popped some popcorn and watched Bad News Bears in my bed. Christian must have said this was the best day ever about 20 times! LOL I love that boy so much. And I was so glad that I was able to spend some time with him, and with out his little brother. He finally was able to get some much needed attention from me. Now I know I am going to have to do this more often!
Well, since my hubby is not going to be here for his birthday, that also means that he won't be here for the ultrasound that we are going to have that day! I had set it up for his birthday, and at a time we knew he could make it. Well that was for the job he was on. We didn't expect them to pull him off of this one to put him on another! Ugh... I hate the oil field! It's so unpredictable. Even when you think it is for the next few weeks or so! So I asked my mother-in-law to go with me since my hubby won't be there. I am so disappointed! We are hoping to find out what we are having then too! And he won't be here for that!!! Oh well, at least I don't have to go alone. And I can call him. At least he can know about it on his birthday.
It all started when my husband got called into go to work. He was told that they needed him on a different rig out of town. It's a "sit down" job, so that means he stays in a trailer out on the rig untill they are done,, or untill they don't need him anymore. He is taking over someone else's job because they needed to take care of some things at home. What ever. So his mother decided to have lunch before he has to leave town since his birthday is on May 2nd. And he will not be here. At first our youngest son was saying that he wanted to see Papa Dean(my father-in-law) and Nana(my mother-in-law). Well Papa Dean had to be at work so it was just going to be us and Nana. He wasn't so happy about that, but still OK with it. We get there and Papa Dean shows up too! OMG!!! Kaleb was soooo happy! He sat on Papa Dean's Lap the whole time!When it came time to leave he told me, "Be go you" and pointed to my in-laws. This means he wants to go with Papa Dean and Nana. I tell him no, you have to go with mommy and daddy. You can go with Papa Dean and Nana tomorrow. The kids both stay over at their house every Saturday night. But he just kept saying "no, be go you," and pointing to them. So we all walk out together and he runs to Nana and holds her hand out to the car. We all went to look at her rental car. So when it was time to go he gave her a hug and wouldn't let go! It was like it was a life or death situation! He wanted to go with them so bad! I have never seen him want to go with anyone that badly before. It was actually pretty funny, I have to admit. Well, Papa Dean ended up giving in and taking Kaleb with him. He was just ever so happy!
So right after that I had to pick up Christian from school. Who, by the way, made the A honor role again this 6 weeks! We started off thinking that we would go practice throwing the ball at the park, then go for ice cream. But we had to go pick up my husbands meds before he went to work. And we were stuck waiting for them to sort out the details for 45 minutes! Ugh... And that's because I called it in the day before! Any ways, he changed his mind and wanted to go to a movie instead. My father-in-law, said that he was going to bring Kaleb back home at 8:00 pm that night since he had to go play music that night. So we ran out of time to go see a movie too! It was already 5:30 by the time we were finally able to leave the house. That's the time that daddy left for work to. So we ended up going to McDonald's for dinner. Mmm... *sarcasm added here* I hate McDonald's. Then we went to Target to exchange one of Kaleb's birthday gifts, that was a double. While we were there I told Christian that if he wanted to get a toy and settle for an icee instead of an ice cream we could do that. And, of course, he agreed. So he picked out an Iron Man toy. Then we came home and played 3 games of Yahtzee. He won every one of them, fair and square! That boy has the best luck on games. Just after that he was saying how much fun he had. And how we should do this more often! That just made my heart melt. He even said, but I know we can't get a new toy every time. So we should just have our special day more often. Aww... My father in-law called about that time and said that Kaleb had already fallen asleep so he could just stay there for the night. So Christina and I could have gone to the movies after all! But Christian didn't see it that way. His first thought was, cool, more time for me and you! So we ended up going to Hollywood Video and renting a couple of movies. Then going to Marble Slab next door and getting some ice cream. We picked out the Bad News Bears (the old one with Walter Matthau) and Benji, a classic. When we got home we popped some popcorn and watched Bad News Bears in my bed. Christian must have said this was the best day ever about 20 times! LOL I love that boy so much. And I was so glad that I was able to spend some time with him, and with out his little brother. He finally was able to get some much needed attention from me. Now I know I am going to have to do this more often!
Well, since my hubby is not going to be here for his birthday, that also means that he won't be here for the ultrasound that we are going to have that day! I had set it up for his birthday, and at a time we knew he could make it. Well that was for the job he was on. We didn't expect them to pull him off of this one to put him on another! Ugh... I hate the oil field! It's so unpredictable. Even when you think it is for the next few weeks or so! So I asked my mother-in-law to go with me since my hubby won't be there. I am so disappointed! We are hoping to find out what we are having then too! And he won't be here for that!!! Oh well, at least I don't have to go alone. And I can call him. At least he can know about it on his birthday.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Baseball Season Is Here!
My oldest son is playing little league this year. We put him in it when he was 5 but he just didn't have to patients for that yet. They put him as catcher for t-ball. LOL Like there is anything to do there! So he built sand piles and jumped in them. And when he was in the outfield, he just picked the grass and threw it in the air. LOL Well this time he is much more attentive. He is catching very well, throwing better, and batting with coach pitch! He's not the best, but he's catching up! His team won their scrimmage last week. They had their first game last Friday. They won that one too! So now his confidence is supper high.
Kaleb loves baseball now too. He just has to be like his big brother! So everyday he talks about playing baseball. I ended up getting him a glove and ball so he can catch like bubba. He is getting a t-ball stand for his birthday. Witch is coming up on the 20th! He's going to be 3 yrs old! My, my, my, where does time go?! Kaleb has also learned to ride his bike. He peddles, steers and breaks now.
Everything else is going great! I no longer have morning sickness so that's always nice. I started to feel the baby moving a few weeks ago. And as of yesterday I can officially feel it with my hand! Dh still won't touch though. He has the Alien fear. LOL Too many scary movies! What a sissy! I have still been neglecting my crochet work. :( I'll get back into it sometime though. I like it too much to stop forever.
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