Sad Times Around Here...

I lost my mother. I don't know how to feel about it. I am sad. But I still don't feel like it can be true. I cry in bed at night because I know I can call her tomorrow anymore. It's too late now. I found a beautiful poem that expresses my thoughts very accurately.


Everyone has their time
But why did yours have to come so soon?
There are so many people in the world
So why did God have to pick you?
They say things like this make you stronger
But how can that be?
I feel so weak inside
It all feels like a dream
I didn't get to see you
You passed away too soon
But I feel you watching over me
And someday I'll see you again

Andrea Nickel


The last time I saw her was the Monday after Mother's Day, on the 12th. The last time I talked to her was on the 19th or 20th. She sounded so good. She wanted to go to the family reunion. And she wanted to take Dillan (my niece) with us. She had just talked to Yvonne (another close family member) and was excited to get to see her. My grandpa called me on Thursday the 22nd to tell me that she wasn't feeling well. She hadn't gotten out of bed for two days and wasn't eating. She was crying out in pain in the middle of the night. He called me because he just didn't know what to do. He was worried about her. I could hear it in his voice. It worried me a little bit to. Just knowing that she hadn't gotten up out of that room for two days. Not even to eat. She didn't want him in her room, or to even bother her. I told him that the only thing that he really could do would be to call the ambulance to come get her. He didn't want to do that, because she was drinking. He thought that she just wasn't getting up because she was too drunk. Which I guess could have been the case. I feel horrible for him. He had decided that if she didn't get up and at least get something to eat then he would call 911 in the morning. But when he went to get her up, she was gone. God had taken her pain away. That's the only thing that gives me comfort anymore. Knowing that she isn't in pain any more. And knowing that she is in better hands now. With someone that can guide her and take care of her the way she needs it. Like none of us here could ever do for her. She called me to ask if I could stop by on my way home from picking up Christian from school. She wanted to see the kids. But I was being selfish and didn't want to. I hated taking my kids over to see her. I didn't like them seeing her in this dirty place, with liquor on her breath and cigarette smoke all around. Would that really have hurt anything that badly if we just drove by for a minute or so? She could have seen her grandchildren one more time before she died. The last time she saw them was at Christian's game on the 10th. Christian was in one of those moods. And he wouldn't talk to her. He felt bad about that later, and talked about it for a week. That was one of the first things he said when he found out the news. After why did she have to die? And why do people have to get sick? And why does mostly our family have to die? What do you tell an 8 yr old that has lost two grandparents in the past three years. It was harder to tell him about his Mini than anyone else in this world. He did ask me the other day why we called her Mini. I told him that's the name she wanted you to call her. Because she is your skinny Mini! I got half of a smile from him. She was very skinny.
I have been working on a video slide show of pictures of my mom. I have almost 80 pics of her throughout her life. It's a shame really that I don't have more of her in the resent years. I put them together with a few quotes/poems and songs. I used Desperado, by The Eagles, Bridge Over Troubled Waters, by Simon and Garfunkel, and of course Amazing Grace, this one was done by Leeann Rhymes. The trio of songs is beautiful! I think it has helped me in my grieving. Although, I don't think I am done. I am far from it actually. It still doesn't feel right to me. It still feels like I am talking about someone else when I talk about her memorial service. I still can't believe it has happened.

I had to go put flowers on my father's grave sight the other day. This has hit me hard. I have no parents now. My father committed suicide when I was only 2 yrs old. And now my mother is gone too. And I can't help but think about how I could have done more in the past couple of years to include her in my family's life. I don't want to feel like that. But I do.

Now I want to go visit San Miguel de Allende. Where we lived for a while, in Mexico. My mother loved living there. She was free to be herself. People didn't judge you like they do here. It's a beautiful country too. So primitive compared to here. I have always wanted to go back some day. I would like to show my husband where I lived for a while. I would like to show him what a beautiful place it can be. But with the baby on the way, now is not a good time. I guess it will be a few years before I can even think of going back.

I think I've rambled enough for the time being. Maybe I will try to get the slide show downloaded next week, and put it up on here.

It's A Boy!

We are very excited! And this way we aren't going to have to spend all of that extra money on bunches of cute girl cloths. LOL All I need to get is the big stuff, like a crib! And then a few cloths for the first few months. I'm sure the family will give a gift or two as well. But everything looks great. Baby is measuring right on schedule. And the heart rate was 153. We are having a hard time getting Kaleb to remember that it's a boy and not sissy. We picked out the name Keegan Blane. So now we just tell him it's baby Keegan. He's getting the hang of it. My MIL and Christian both went with me to the ultrasound. They had a bet going. If it was a girl, Christian would pull weeds at Nana's (my MIL) House, and if it was a boy Nana would buy Christian a toy. Christian won! He was very excited about that!

I had really wanted a girl. But it looks like God had other plans for me. This is going to be my last baby. DH is going to get "fixed" and we are going to look into me getting it done as well. We may have to wait untill we can pay for it though. It's cheaper for DH so we know we are gong to do that one. But I have been very sad lately, because that means that I will not get a chance to have a little girl of my own. Then I start feeling bad about feeling bad! I know it will be alright, I guess I just need some time. I wanted to go shopping after I found out, but I didn't end up with the time for it. So I went the next day with my sister, my aunt, my grandmother and my cousin. I looked around at cloths, but didn't see anything that caught my eye. Not for a boy at least. I saw tons of stuff for girls! I finally settled on a couple of outfits on the clearance rack. But I wasn't thrilled about them. I actually ended up finding a lot of maternity cloths that I liked though. I ended up splurging and getting myself an outfit too. I have tried to get into shopping, but every time I go I gravitate towards the little girl stuff. Then I get sad again and don't want to shop anymore.

I know that I am excited about the new baby boy. I am in love with the name we picked out too! I'm getting upset now because my need for a little girl is getting in the way of me enjoying this little guy! It's making me mad at myself. I better get over it soon! But then every time I tell some one else that we are having a boy they all say, "aww...", or "I'm sorry." I hate that! Don't be sorry! Be happy that he is a healthy baby. I am. I am only sad that I won't have a little girl, ever.

Maybe it's just all of the hormones going crazy inside my body that are making me feel like I am crazy!