Wednesday, March 28, 2012


I try to fill my life with things I love. But something is still missing. I've been taking pictures, doing yoga, going places(mostly local but still getting out). I surround myself with people I love. But still I feel an emptiness inside. I need a strong hand to love and care for me and to hold me tight. I need to feel like someone is taking care of me emotionally. Just like I have been taking care of those around me. I just want to lay down right now and give up on that. You would think being married that wouldn't be an issue. But when your husband works 2 weeks out of town and then is home for two weeks it seems like he's never there. When he's home it's for a good two weeks and he isn't even working. So it's not like he can't give his all to his family. Don't get me wrong, he dose things with us all. But instead of doing things with/for me, he spends his time and energy on figuring out what to do for himself. He likes to go to the shooting range, or shopping for accessories. He likes to go have a beer with his friend while waiting for his truck to have the oil change. He likes to sit on the couch and watch a movie while he drinks a few beers every night. If it's not that at night ten it's a few beers at his friends house instead. I'm getting sick of that crap. It's all pretty selfish to me and no matter how I tell him how I am feeling he just doesn't get it. Promises are made but  not acted on. I've learned to not trust any of it anymore. Pretty sad indeed. In fact, I am beginning to no not even listen to it now. That used to be enough to make me feel like he still cared and wanted to make a change. But now it's just no help at all.

Mostly, I just want romance back in my life. Is that really so much to ask for? A walk on the beach at sunset(or sunrise, I don't care which). An arm around me with out it criticizing me. It would be incredibly lovely to have some on walk up to me with a smile and just want to hold me tight(not just want to have sex!).

So, all of this having been said... I think I have a lot to work on for myself. I've let myself allow this emptiness to take over and affect my responsibilities. The house is a wreck! But I have NO motivation to change that. So instead, I go to the gym and forget about it. Or I sit at the computer and fill my time with meaningless games to occupy my brain. It's that or I lay on the couch and keep worrying about how things are not happening and then I just want to cry.
First of all, I want a sitter for the kids for an entire day! Then I would spend all day with the music way up loud and I would clean the whole house, top to bottom. Then I could at least feel a little better. Then maybe the next week I could get someone to watch them for a few hours so I can go do some more stuff that makes me feel like me.

I think that might be a good starting point.

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