I think my husband and I are done with our relationship but neither one of us knows how to end it. I know he's done trying to meet the needs of others. All, if not most, of his energy goes into work, doing well and moving up. None of it is going into his home life anymore and even the kids see what an ass he is when he drinks(which is every night). Luckily the little ones are usually in bed before he's had more than one or two.
Me... I don't want to let go because this is a life choice that I made and I intend to keep it going. Call it religion or what ever you want. I am a christian and do have christian values, but I made a promise to him and my kids(even the ones that weren't born yet) to be married and stay married for the rest of my life. I told my husband that before we got married and that was the reason that I didn't marry him the first time around. This is one thing that I feel so strongly about! So I keep hope that one day he will want to try again. And one day his desire for me will come back.
Here's the bad part... my desire is gone now. My desire for him I mean. I think that after so much negativity from a person no matter what they look like(which I think my husband is good looking by the way) they can still become undesirable to you. So I've had fantasies about another person. No sex involved, just lust and kisses and hugging and cudeling. It's so hard for me though because that's NOT what I want. It's a contradiction to the values I have clung to all of my life. It's even sneaking into dreams now and it kind of scares me. I think that if this other person were here in town or even wanted to be a part of my life I might fail and go to him. And I just feel really sad knowing that it probably could be a possibility if everything was set in a way that it could even happen. Perhaps, that's why my mind has chosen this person?
I used to feel so good about myself and pretty confident that I wasn't bad looking. Now, not so much. My husband only wants to give me a hug or to lay down with me when he's been drinking(and even then it's still few and far between). I just can't even make myself want to anymore though. That fact alone turns me off.
All of that said... this weekend we are going to celebrate our 9th anniversary. It's actually during the week but I already know he won't try to get off work for it (he might not be able to if he tried anyways) so I'm planning a night and half day with just us(maybe just the day part though depends on if other people can take the kids for us). I'm trying to find people to watch the kids on Saturday night. If not my in-laws will watch them all for us on Sunday. I already have a place for lunch on Sunday for us to go and a place on Saturday for dinner if we can. Then on Sunday I have a movie picked out that he might like to see at the theatre. If I can get him to do more then we may do something after dinner on Saturday night.
Dinner and a movie are all thing that we just fall back on on the time. I don't feel the desire to be more creative than that unfortunately. But I do feel like I need to get him out of the house and out with just us two for a while. That time may decide our fate. I am going with the best attitude and looking forward to a good time at least. But deep down inside I know that he could turn that time into a fight and it will just all be over. I think I just need this, I need to know him again and I need to really see how he is with me. It might, just maybe, make up my mind on us.